Have you ever felt that someone else has complete control of your destiny? Knowing that their decision will herald the next chapter of your life and that there is nothing more that you can do to influence them?
If you have been in this position, like me, you may have lain awake long into the night mulling things over, not sure if, or when, the master is thinking of you, when and how they will choose to play their hand on your life, let alone relay it to you. Well, this was the state of limbo that I found myself in a few months ago.
Waiting.
Wondering.
Feeling forgotten.
Checking for missed calls.
Getting paranoid.
Thinking the worst.
Starting to go a bit crazy.
(You’ll know the drill!)
Strangely (and thankfully), for me, whichever way things were going to turn out had the potential to be good, but I knew that not to get the opposite outcome in each case would also be disappointing i.e. I would have it all if I could!
Now that the dust has settled, I believe that to have been forced to actually make a decision by myself on this matter would have been really tough. Perhaps to have had it taken out of my hands and decided arbitrarily by “the master” was actually for the best in the long run.
I still hate and hated feeling like an item on someone else’s agenda, mind you.
So, one Friday afternoon at 3pm my phone rang and I knew that I was finally to be alleviated of my wait. The result of the call was a bitter sweet parting of ways with this particular master of destiny; a question of business logistics that were no longer practical. There were silent tears and fond farewells but as soon as I had signed off, I began to feel an overwhelming sense of relief, like a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders.
I realised that I had been worrying and obsessing for months about where this relationship was going and perhaps, in my heart of hearts, I knew all along that it was going nowhere. I just didn’t want to let anyone down by resigning.
I hated quitters, which, as it turns out, was my biggest mental block here. My attitude was ingrained, an occupational hazard that came with the territory. The actual truth was that the effort I was putting into the hours, the travelling and the output far outweighed the benefits I was reaping from the job.
The shackles of a steady and secure income had blinded me from seeing change as a sometime good thing. I felt free again!
I suppose that one of the morals of this story is that the age old cliche “what is meant for you won’t pass you by.” And possibly more pertinently, “always stay one step ahead of change.”
I’m sure that I’m not alone in passionately wanting to make every project work, but sometimes the time comes where you just have to admit defeat.
And Im pleased to say that I can now mean that in a positive, head held high way.
I’m now it the throws of another fun, exciting and fulfilling project and thankfully my other day job means that I will get to stay in the gorgeous west end of Glasgow until spring year at least, which I am delighted about.
Have you ever been in this position? How did it resolve itself? Were you pro-active or did you let fate take its course? Do you regret your choice?
A Savage Joy 
Love this post – and you know it’s the right thing when you feel that weight getting lifted from your shoulders! 🙂
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Absolutely! That’s the thing with brick walls and heads – it feels great when you stop banging them together! Thanks for reading, delighted you enjoyed 🙂
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Well said. Sometimes you can spend a lot of energy trying to stop a “bad thing” from happening and when it does, it turns out to be for the best anyway. All good wishes for your new challenge.
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Thanks! I’m not sure at what point here I stopped being able to just “go with the flow” – I suspect somewhere around five years ago when the economic crisis hit, and we were all hanging on to our jobs for dear life! Terrified of not being able to find other employment. I’m hoping that this experience will have taught me not to lose sight of my own wishes in the future! Thanks also for the good wishes 🙂
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I really like this post but, am I a bad person if I tell you that your comment about brick walls and heads was/is spot on. Got me thinking a bit further: how, if they hadn’t been banging together we wouldn’t be able to fully appreciate how good it felt when they stopped.
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Thank you! Absolutely, it’s one of those annoying things where you need to live it to learn it. Thanks for reading! Ps: you seem like a lovely person, not bad as you suggest!!
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Waiting for change is so hard- especially when it’s not up to you! I understand what you mean though when you said it was better than having to choose yourself. I feel this way sometimes too, and choose to believe that when a change happens that’s out of my control, it’s for the best somehow. Best of luck to you!
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I know – it’s tough to let go and ride the wave. If you do all you can and it still doesn’t go your way, it’s just not meant to be! I really hope I can see this next time it happens too!
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I love this list with the short lines–feelings and worries that can apply to so many situations, definitely pulling your reader into sympathy.
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Thanks Jennifer. Really appreciate getting some technical feedback on how you found this piece. Best wishes!
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I have had this feeling so many times, in so many different ways. The anxiety of waiting to see what will come is like torture. Perhaps, in a way, it is self doubt, too. But, in many of the cases, I have realized I did all I could and, if that wasn’t good enough for whomever, then, well, there’s always another door to open.
You expressed the emotion well. The short lines punctuated it. Well done.
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Thanks Renada – it sounds like we are kindred spirits on this. I can’t bear this form of second guessing and my knee jerk reaction is always to think the worst! Hoping I have learnt from the experience. Thanks also for the technical feedback, really appreciate you taking the time to read my piece.
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Oh, I’ve been there. Might even be there right now…or on the edge of it, anyway. Trusting one’s intuition, which should be natural, has become so unnatural. Nicely done, Susie.
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Thanks Meg, best wishes for your upcoming journey 😉
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Yes, I am currently in that position… and I feel like fate is stepping in and saying “No.” But like you, I think it may not be a bad thing. I love the aphorisms you cite — I wrote them both down. Thanks for such a thoughtful and honest post!
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You are welcome Esther! Delighted you enjoyed it. I hope that things work out for the best for you. Let me know what happens! Best wishes 🙂
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